Accessories I need to retire: Fitteds Edition.

That’s easily one of the worst promo shots I’ve ever seen, but I’m not here to talk about flared nostrils and awkward angles. I gotta tell y’all about the fitteds in my collection that have to be burned, thrown away, given to Goodwill etc. I’m ashamed of all of the New Eras in this post. Even worse than some of the shirts in my last “_____ I need to retire” entry. Ohhh lets doooo it!!

Purchased: Bowls L.A.
Price
: $40.00
Info
: What a hideous piece of shit. Most people like to pretend they have money by buying fancy things and treating hoes to fast food dinners or whatever. Not me. I buy a silk New Era with a giant Yen symbol with a pattern of the various currencies of the world. What better way to let people know you’re ballin’ on an international scale? On the hat there’s yen, pesos, euros..whatever you call the money in Columbia. I had the balls to wear that in public more than once. I even wore a pair of denim shorts with that thing. *Shudder*

Preferred Method of Destruction: Doused in vodka and set ablaze.

Purchased: Lids
Price
: $32.99
Info
: I bought this in 2006. I thought it would be really cool to wear a neat orange and black outfit on Halloween that year. That was the sole reason for wasting 30 + dollars that day. Forget that I have absolutely no allegiance to the Astros. Think about why I bought that hat. How stupid could I have been? I can count on one hand how many times (other than Halloween 06) I wore that hat. I’ll just tell you: Halloween 07, Halloween 09.

Preferred Method of Destruction: Steak knife. Over and over and over.

Purchased: Lids
Price: $32.99
Info: This one is so bad I needed two angles. I cant believe this hat was even released. I can’t believe I’ve seen other people wear it! I wouldn’t consider this the worst Dodgers hat of all time, but it’s really high on that list. The color scheme is ridiculous, and the design is just unspeakably bad. That hat is the kind of thing that would ruin my first impression of someone. I wore it out on a date once. I guess that’s some manly shit, so I can’t hate on that.

Preferred Method of Destruction: Sent to the gas chambers in a hat holocaust.

Purchased: Pro Image
Price: $32.99
Info: This hat doesn’t look so bad, but there’s something about it that just screams “YOUNG BLACK YOUTH,” and that, I am not. There’s not much to it. I just have to stop wearing it by default.

Preferred Method of Destruction: Thrown in that smelly Asian restaurant dumpster.

Purchased: Fanzz
Price
: $34.99
Info
: This is another hat that looks pretty good but also has to go. See, the Lakers just swept the Jazz to advance to the Western Conference finals and on top of that, my ex-girlfriend chose it for me while we were in Salt Lake. I’m more likely to catch a beating than reminisce about old relationship shit while I wear it so it’s gotta go. I dont know about you, but I’m too grown to catch a bad one over a team I don’t even root for.

Preferred Method of Destruction: Tossed in front of people exiting The Staples Center after a Lakers game.

That’s it for this edition of ____ I Need to Retire. Maybe the next one will be about these awful bedsheets I have. No Homo.

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