Angry French Canadians Want To Beat Me Up.

The other day I was pitching some content to editors about the Webby Awards or some shit like that and without knowing, I sent an email to a fellow who is angry at me. Apparently our 3rd party email list needs to be updated. Anyway, this gentleman is angry with me because a few years back, I stole his 1st gen Gameboy Advance from his then girlfriend’s car. They broke up, he wanted it back, and I lied and said I broke it. I didn’t break it, I just felt like being an asshole. I’d video chat with his girlfriend (who is one of my best friends) and show her the Gameboy intact. hahaha. So, this moron responds to my email with:

You got balls texting me fucking fag,I don’t care that you’re Johnny’s new bitch, I’m coming back to L.A. and you’re the first on my list, and don’t think Michelle will save your ass again!

best regards, The Jypsy

I didn’t even text the guy. I should tell all of you that this guy is 31, and probably living couch to couch, just like when he was in L.A. last, but I digress. If you know me you know I responded with an email just as childish:

Wow, such hostility that is probably undeserved. I have no idea how you know Johnny or Michelle (I pretended like I didn’t know him), or me for that matter, but I’ve decided to do a quick google search on your alias. I still don’t know who you are, but when I read that you called me a “fucking faggot” and “Johnny’s bitch” I just thought I’d remind you that you look like this:

You see, any “man” with highlights in his hair is clearly a homosexual, and when you make the face in the third picture, you have no room to say anything about my orientation.

He hasn’t responded yet.

Casio EX-FS10 Giveaway.

I’m not a press release ho, but this actually sounds okay. I want a free camera.

I <3 THE METAL + CASIO = SEX

CASIO EXILIM ANNOUNCES A FACEBOOK CHALLENGE FOR METAL HEADS

ONE LUCKY WINNER FROM FACEBOOK WILL RECEIVE A BRAND NEW CASIO EXILIM CAMERA

Los Angeles, CA – In support of the recent launch of the high-tech Casio Exilim camera series, Casio is announcing a Facebook Photo Challenge to give every Facebook user a chance to win one of their high-tech cameras.

The challenge is run on Facebook in a group named “I <3 The Metal” where members post their favorite head banging, most rockin’, kick your grandmother in the throat kinda photos. A lucky winner with the best photograph will be announced on May 10th.

The winner will receive the sleek EX-FS10 Exilim Camera. The camera is an unparalleled fusion of technology and style. Groundbreaking features like High Speed Burst digital photos and High Definition (HD) Movies packed into the sleek and stylish body answers every need for the photographer on the go.

For more information on the I <3 The Metal Challenge, please visit the Facebook Group:

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=69605609367

Bad ass song of the Moment #2

Steel Panther – Death To All But Metal

These guys play their instruments well. They also look really fucking gay, but that’s the whole point of their gimmick. It doesn’t matter that these guys ripped off a Metallica riff for this song, or that they say called Dr. Dre gay, or that they think Sarah Silverman is funny, or that they changed their name like 12 times or.. etc etc. Just listen to this shit, and laugh. Worst lyrics ever for a lead single. There’s a radio edit that replaces all the foul language with noises like horns, and whistles, and all kinds of stupid corny shit.

Gallows new album “Grey Britain” streaming on Myspace RIGHT NOW!!

I saw these fellows at the Warped tour a few years ago and was impressed at how rowdy their show was. Yes, I know that Warped Tour and Pussy bands go hand in hand, but I can assure you..Gallows is fucking brutal for a punk band.

Click here to listen to Grey Britain!!

Nike 6.0 And 3 Inches Of Blood Collab.

The first pair of Nikes I’ll purchase that aren’t SBs. I haven’t bought a pair of shoes in over a year, but these are too dope to pass up. Pretty much a P-Rod High, and the colorway is insanely good. These drop Friday,  May 1st at select retailers. And now for some motherfucking 3 Inches Of Blood.

Which Hand Soap Is The Best..

..when you’re washing the blood off of your hands?

Too much brrrrrrooooooood!

Today is Disco Dance Friday.

While I hammer out reports today, I’ve decided to annoy the entire office. I work with people who are unappreciative of good music. They bother me with the nonsense that comes out of their speakers. Aphex Twin, Phoenix, Silver Jews? Fucking BLEGH. At some point today I’ll take a break and blog about gay rappers, and angry people who send me death threats about shit that happened years ago. While I’m away, here’s a sample of what I’ll be playing all day.

Boney-M – Rasputin

I believe these fine people are from Germany. I’ll have to ask Ali about it later. Anyway, this is a song about Rasputin and his giant cock. It’s an erotic tale.

Kano – I Need Love

Italian Disco at it’s finest. This is probably the most banging beat I’ve ever heard in my life. I don’t know how this singer managed to bellow the lyrics out without a heavy accent.

Heatwave – Boogie Nights

I’m going to tie this into 70’s/80’s Los Angeles gang culture. If you live out here, you won’t argue with me.

The Gap Band – Party Train

Same as above.

Bad Ass Song Of The Moment, Volume 1.

I took some time out of my busy work day to bring you goons some new shit. I’m sorry for keeping my wise words from you folks for so long, but I gotta make them dollarz. Anyway, I’m starting this new shit where I talk about a bad ass songs I listen to. It’s a good way to spread the word about shit you nerds might be missing out on. So, without further adieu, I present to you the first ever Crackcess Hollywood Bad Ass Song of the Moment:

Patrick Hernandez – Born To Be Alive.

At first glance, you may think Mr. Hernandez is some kind of Puerto Rican from the booming New York City disco scene but he is, in fact, an Italian Spaniard…from France. Awkward. Anyway, I don’t know the exact origins of how his legendary hit came about, but “facts” are not necessary when it comes to something as magnificent as this song. It appears as if Mr. Hernandez was pondering the question “What is the meaning of life?” That later evolved into the question “Why are we born?” Already on the verge of becoming a disco icon, a young Patrick decided to answer the age old question during a recording session with Rod Steward, and Tommy Seabach. “We’re born….born….born. Born to be alive.” The result? The world’s greatest dance songs ever written.  Rod and Tom had absolutely nothing to do with it, they were just there for moral support, and to drink French Cognac.

Time magazine sat down with this lyrical genius in 1980 to produce on of the greatest interviews to ever be printed. The quote from Patrick that stick’s out in everybody’s head:  “MOTHERFUCK The Beatles.“

I’m watching Hannah Montana.

Joey Fatone lost a lot of weight it looks like. I really wish Wizards of Waverly Place was on.

The New Facebook Is A Piece Of Shit.

Actually, it’s not bad. I just wanted to rant about Facebook’s stupid ass suggestions about who I might want to add, or what corny shit I might want to be a fan of. Let’s begin.

Joshua Rangel – Why the fuck would I add this queer? The last time I saw him, I purposely dug my elbow into his midsection while we were playing basketball..and we were on the same team. Probably the epitome of the word “corny.” I once had 8th grade with this fruit, and he constantly would piss me off. He was hyperactive or some shit, and loud as fuck, talking about nonsense all the fucking time. Suck a dick, Josh. Nobody likes you.

Solomon Chen – You know, it gets me real hot under the collar when one nerd bullies another nerd, especially when the nerd being bullied is my friend. What gives one geek the right to shit talk about another? They’re all one in the same. Hmm, weird. The last time I saw Solomon was on the court as well. I hit him in the face when I tried to “block” his shot. I hope I broke his glasses, and his spirit.

Banksy – I couldn’t care less about an artist. Oooh, graffiti that makes a statement. Impressive. I don’t care. I haven’t been impressed by graffiti art since I was in some underground tunnel in Berlin, and saw a tag that said “I LOVE WOMAN” with a shitty drawing of a woman with some bush. Here’s a picture of it:

McLovin – I haven’t found McLovin funny since the first time I watched Superbad. Jonah Hill’s character was way, way funnier. Anyway, that actor’s career is over, and he’ll be forever known as McLovin. What a sad life he’s going to live when he’s 33. Strange looking motherfucker.

FMyLife – Like McLovin, that shit is over with. The phrase hasn’t been funny since Muñoz played it out in France. I can’t believe someone is capitalizing off of Superbad, and hasn’t paid for it. That Jew, Judd Apatow, should sue somebody. I want it to end immediately because every time I log in to some social networking site, some idiot is typing it. Yes, fuck your life, but not in the way you mean it. I want you to become an invalid, stupid.

Atlanta – Bring back the freaknic, and I’ll go. Otherwise, that place can eat shit. R.I.P./Shout out to Pimp C for shitting all over Atlanta in an interview.

The suggestions stopped coming for some reason. Oh well. It’s time to brush my cat, and watch SportCenter. Peace.